Not all attendees of a bizarre brand-new testicle-themed festival had a good time this weekend, but the vast majority certainly had a ball – until they ran out of stock, at least.
The Arkansas city of Bentonville, famed for being the birthplace of Walmart, played host to Testicle Festival this weekend – a three-day ode to the bull testicle which promised beers, bands, and an abundance of deep-fried crown jewels.
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But the organizers behind the event suffered a number of performance issues during the first two days and at times the atmosphere felt flat and stiff; at others, it was downright testy.
In fact, guests of Testicle Festival were greeted with disappointment as soon as they approached the gate: the hotly-anticipated women’s oil wrestling contest had been canceled at the last minute.
The reason, event manager Alex explained to The U.S. Sun, was because local officials had threatened to pull Testy Fest’s liquor license if it went ahead, citing concerns over lewdity and nudity.
But still, she assured, there were plenty more activities to keep guests occupied, and enough alcohol to keep them sufficiently lubricated.
TRIED AND TESTIED
The festivities kicked off on Friday afternoon under the surprisingly warm late October Arkansas sunshine on a sprawling plot of farming land a 20-minute drive from the town center.
Tickets for the event set back guests $20 for a weekend pass and rose as high as $349 for those with RVs who wanted to camp for the full three days with access to electricity and running water.
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Testicle festivals are certainly no new concept, something the organizers of this latest iteration were aware of.
The idea to bring the first “Testy Fest” to Northwest Arkansas, Alex said, came from the shuttering of a long-standing annual bull ball-eating bonanza in Montana that ceased operations in 2016.
She nor any other organizers of Bentonville’s bash had ever been to a testicle festival, Alex admitted, but said the novelty of the concept was too good to pass up on.
“We thought with the other festival closing that left a large void for a party like this,” she said, as a woman behind her frantically shepherded a batch of balls into a deep-fat fryer, her hands caked in grease.
“And with the world as divided as it is today, people just need to let loose and have fun sometimes.
“And what better way to celebrate than with a testicle festival.”
Testy Fest, as it’s otherwise known, shipped in a metric ton of bull balls to fuel their mission to reunify society.
Otherwise known as Rocky Mountain Oysters, Cowboy Caviar, or Tendergroin, bull balls are a Mid-Western delicacy that is often deep-fried after being skinned, then coated in flour, salt and pepper.
Testy Fest stuck to the tried and tested recipe and first-timers were excited to sample the curious cuisine as they made their way through the event’s front gates.
“I’ve never had them before,” said one female visitor who drove more than an hour with her husband to be at Testy Fest on Friday.
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“But I can’t wait to try some of these balls,” she added with a laugh.
Ahead of the event, Alex had forecasted that upwards of 3,000 people would flock to Testy Fest, but by early evening on Friday, the number of revelers was dwindling somewhere near the lower to mid-hundreds.
Not helping the fact was the size of the venue, which, combined with only a handful of vendors and amenities, made the festival feel all the more sparse, stifling what organizers likely hoped would be a raucous and rambunctious atmosphere.
Still, the party scampered on, and its conductor was a master of ceremonies dressed up as Zach Galifianakis’ character from the comedy trilogy The Hangover, Alan, who had a pair of silicone balls dangling precariously from his waistband beside his brown satchel.
Would this be a night to forget or remember? Only time would tell.
BALLS TO THE WALL
The first event on the Testy Fest schedule was the Ballsy 500, a parody of the Daytona 500 that required participants to strip down to their swimsuits and ride a lime-green tricycle around the staging area, with the fastest rider winning $500.
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A band of jock-strap-wearing men enthusiastically stepped up to the plate, mounting the trikes in their cowboy boots and hats, with their eyes trained keenly towards the checkered flag in front of them, and their bare butt-cracks exposed to the wind behind them.
“Unlike your balls, make sure you’re all even,” quipped the MC, ordering the racers to form a straight line on the starting blocks.
He then raised a starting pistol above his head and, after firing a few blanks, the scantily-clad racers were off and away with a bang.
After three heats, a Kansas native by the name of Dave was crowned the winner having scored a time of just over 41 seconds.
The U.S Sun caught up with Dave a few hours later as he was dancing to a country music performer with his shirt off, and green and purple beads draped around his neck.
By the time of the interview, he’d already spent his winnings, deciding to splurge the handsome sum on half a gallon of Crown Royal Whiskey for himself and his buddies.
“It was great,” Dave said of his triumph, adding that he had no intentions of ending his celebrations early by hitting the sack any time soon.
“We’re going to party all night until the sun comes up.
“And then we’re going to carry on tomorrow and eat some nuts together.”
TESTY TIMES
Throughout the day and night, a handful of local country music acts took to the stage to serenade small pockets of attendees to moderate applause and minimal dancing.
During the first night, much of the action and atmosphere was limited to the main bar area, a significant distance away from the stage, where many sat laughing, drinking, and smoking, hunched over a tray of balls and sporting an array of amusing t-shirts with testicle puns emblazoned across their chests.
“I shaved my balls for this,” one such shirt read.
“Test Tickles,” read another.
Without the distraction of the oil wrestling contest, the last scheduled event on the agenda – aside from the music – had been a bonfire, which was due to commence at 8pm.
Despite advertising the bonfire with an image of a pile of wood consumed by a roaring fire, as would be expected, Testy Fest’s take on the age-old tradition was underwhelming at best.
Instead of a towering inferno, organizers opted to just haphazardly drape a string of fairy lights over the wood and turn them on.
It’s unclear why the logs were never torched but disappointment would fester among those in attendance once more – and unfortunately not for the last time.
“Warm isn’t it,” one guest sarcastically quipped with a raised eyebrow, staring at the stack of logs. “Real pretty.”
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